The Daily Laugh Thread...

[StevenSTi]

If you really wanna post in here, go ahead. Im gonna use this as my daily joke thread. If it gets stickied at the top thats no problem, and if you have a good joke, post it up, but I will only be posting one or two a day. Enjoy!

[StevenSTi]

Q: What do a Walrus and Tupperware have in common?


A: They both like a tight seal

[Filthy Dub]

....lol

[drewyoutoo]

bahhahahaha

[carguy07]

needs moar jokes.

[drewyoutoo]

You know the difference between a luxury car and a porcupine?

With the porcupine the pricks are on the outside.

:')

[Discontained]

You know the difference between a EUROPEAN car and a porcupine?

With the porcupine the pricks are on the outside.

:')

your doing it wrong! :D

[StevenSTi]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a huge jar full of money.

"What's it for?" He asks the bartender

"Put $20 in and I'll tell you how you can win it"

So he does and the bartender tells him there's a horse outside and if you can make him laugh you win the cash.

Guy goes out, whispers something and the horse starts laughing out of control, rolling on the ground. The bartender's jaw drops as he's handing over the jar, the guy says nothing and leaves.

A month goes by and the guy comes back seeing the jar again, full of cash.

"What's that for?"

"You make the damn horse cry and you win"

The guy goes up to the horse and whispers something, the horse breaks down and starts crying hysterically.

The bartender reaches for the jar but stops and asks:

"What the hell did you say?"

"Well, the first time I told him I had a bigger d!ck.................then I showed it to him"

[StevenSTi]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a
man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[StevenSTi]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[carguy07]

Why Men don't write advice columns...

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.

[StevenSTi]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[jasonball]

both are pretty

[taxiv]

lol that last one lex had was awesome lol

[StevenSTi]

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The Farmer: "I am getting to the point,madam. Just imagine,if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

[carguy07]

disregard

[StevenSTi]

So how come you can never hear bunnies fuck!ng?



Because they have cotton balls.




You know what's funny? The fact that every single one of you is trying to imagine bunnies fuck!ng right now.

[StevenSTi]

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

[carguy07]

had to rehost this. college humor at its best.

http://i184.photobucket.com/albums/x231/carguy07/chinese.jpg

[Filthy Dub]

Those were pretty good, the car one was best lol.

[drewyoutoo]

cotton ballls, I lmao

[StevenSTi]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[taxiv]

lol will i love the college assignment. if i didnt get an A for that id be pissed

[StevenSTi]

Funny Test Answers

http://www.economicshelp.org/funny/images/expand.jpg

http://www.economicshelp.org/funny/images/exam-answers-1.jpg

http://shrey27.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/answer7.jpg

http://shrey27.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/answer9.jpg

http://content5.clipmarks.com/blog_cache/www.jimmyr.com/img/9A27C437-7AF6-451C-885A-271AE996690E

http://shrey27.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/answer5a.jpg

http://taktak.net/Repository/blog/318/577341d1-cad8-418f-8c8d-657f0bf4a6d6.jpg

http://www.pjlighthouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/Funny_Student_Desperate_ExamTime_25.jpg

[StevenSTi]

http://www.doheth.co.uk/funny/gallery/exam-answers/Essay_-_Capitalism.jpg

[BlazinAzian]

Eddie wanted desperately to have s3x with a smokin hot girl at work, but she was with someone else already. One day Eddie was so desperate that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 to let me have s3x with you."

The girl looked at him shocked and said, "NO!"

Eddie said, " I'll be real quick. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I will be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said she would have to consult with her boyfriend, so she called him and expained the situation.

Her boyfriend said, "Ask for $200, pick up the money really fast, and he wont be able to get his pants down.

She agreed and accepted Eddie's proposal. Over half an our goes by and the boyfriend was still waiting on her call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked "What happened?"

Still breathing hard she managed to reply, "The @#$%*& paid with quarters!!"

[StevenSTi]

:lol:

[StevenSTi]

ONE OF THE BEST EVER BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me.. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh,. .. . .. . . .


“Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[carguy07]

"Son, you bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."


To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[96neon]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

[BlazinAzian]

:rofl:

[StevenSTi]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'








'Because you got an F in sex.'

[StevenSTi]

Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that f*cking slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[StevenSTi]

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws some white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new power and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne.

After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "1-2-3" and suddenly he
becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 1-2-3 for?"

[StevenSTi]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

[StevenSTi]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'

'Well,' Granny snickered.. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[StevenSTi]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat .

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "According to the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"

[StevenSTi]

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink".

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies.'

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look he asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

[carguy07]

these are great. i need to contribute more.

[StevenSTi]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat,they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

'Kin ya swaller ? The woman shakes her head no.


Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.


The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.


The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.


As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[StevenSTi]

Larry's in room 232 at the hospital.

Ok, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.


Larry gets home late one night and,

Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?


'Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.

''A tattoo?' she frowned.

'What kind of tattoo did you get?

''I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he

said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking

her head in disgust.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred

dollar bill Tattooed on his privates?'

Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping,

you can stay right here at home and blow a

hundred bucks anytime you want.


Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital

[j-stang]

A husband and wife are sitting at breakfast when the husband says to his wife, "After I die I know that you will remarry so I want you to do a favor for me, burn all my stuff".

She said "no problem but why do you want me to burn your stuff?"

He responded, "because I don't want some a$$hole using my stuff!"

To which she muttered, "what makes you think I'd marry another a$$hole"

[j-stang]

1. Men are not mind readers

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl now. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports is like th efull moon or changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this: subtle hints don't work! Strong hints don't work! Obvious hints don't work! Just say it.

6. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help resolving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

9. If you think you're fat you probably are, so don't ask us.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of those ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

[StevenSTi]

The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example of love.
Little Susie stood up and said, "I saw two robins making a nest together, I think that is love."
"Very good," said the teacher, "anyone else?"
Little Johnny stood up and said "I think love is fucking'."
The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to come back without a note from his father.
The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked, "Do you have a note from your father?"
Little Johnny said, "No, my father said love is fucking, and anyone that says it is not is a cock sucker and he doesn't correspond with cock suckers."

[StevenSTi]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college , signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.


When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."


The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

[j-stang]

this is the funniest thing i'v seen in a while.........

ROPING A DEER

Actual letter from someone who farms, writes well and tried this:

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up--3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer - no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you, is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true so help me God.

[StevenSTi]

A married woman had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends.
One is engaged,one is a mistress, and she had been married for 20+ years.

They were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze their men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

The engaged friend:

“The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.”

The mistress:

“Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.”

Then the married woman had to share her story:

“When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What's for dinner, Batman?’"

[jasonball]

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES....

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax, take a breath, and then help me put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

[jasonball]

Little johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their father did for a living. All the typical answer came up fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Little johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. Little johnny said "my father's a exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley w/ some guy and make love w/ him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by the statement, hurriedly sent the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask " Is that really true about your father?" "No" said Little Johnny " He coaches Alabama football, but i was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."